the all new all glossy all boring must read!

2006-03-31T01:08:00.000-08:00

i guess he was just embarrased. I guess i'm just embarrasing. i guess i'm just worthless. i guess he didn't think. i guess he doesn't. i guess he doesn't care. i guess i'm just fucked. i guess i'm just a liar, i know i'm just a liar. burning burning burning. Wasn't it obivous? Was it regretted? Was it even fucking noticed?

i've failed at life

2006-03-23T02:07:00.000-08:00

i truly truly have
there is nothing i can do even half right
i've started writing in here again
and that scares the fuck out of me
i don't know how i feel
i say that he can't hurt me
but he can, and he does
everyday my heart breaks
and i go why?
then he comes and fixes right back up
and i am left even more confused then when he broke my heart
and more liable to getting hurt again
i'm sick of the burning sensation that makes me want to throw up
and curl up in pain
but i can't give up
i don't want to go to school
but tehn i can't go to the concert
and i am looknig forward to that
i think it will take my mind off other thigs
but i know that i will not only be concentrating on the bands but on him
and that feeling will come back
and i don't want that feeling
ever
i'm going to go in the mosh
and fling myself around
smash into people
and get lots and ltos of hurt
then maybe i wont desire to slash my flesh so much
i don't know how much longer i can keep it at bay
i can barely keep it back
he doesn't mean to
why can't i stop thinking of him?
i never can
all day i think about him
and i don't want to
i want to concentrate on my work
and i want to do good
and i want to know what i want to be when i grow up
and i seem to be running out of time
it seems like i have to decide everything right now
but i'm not ready
i don't know if i'll ever be
at the moment i jsut want to drop out of school
see if i can get a job somewhere
make it somehow
instead i'll keep dragging myself out of bed
going to school
hoping that one day i'll have the answers
i want to be good
at something
anything
i want to believe it myself
not just others
all the things i love doing
i am shokcing at
no matter how hard i try
i can't do it
and so i go
fuck it
and i give up on it. i always give upop. i'm just a lousy give up.
i wish i didn't always fail

2006-03-20T02:39:00.000-08:00

fat fat fat. i am so fat
10 kilos = i gotta loose.
thats not that much.
i can do it
maybe
got to
got to be pretty
not flabby
the end

2006-03-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

i'm still just a fucking junkie to you aren't i.....

2005-10-27T03:08:00.000-07:00

Always trying to make love out of care… the perfect recipe but something wasn’t there

2005-10-24T04:11:00.000-07:00

none of its right anymore. I can't take it. i want to end, but i know that i'll regret it. I'll never get what i really want. I know that, so i keep on with the same monotonus thing, though i don't know if thats what i want anymore. How can something mean so much one second, then less then nothing the next? Not even a second. flashes in my head and i can't control it. I wish i knew what to do.

so much hurt, i know its deep. when you are hurt listen to me....

2005-10-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

all i can think about is throwing up. Everytime i eat, i want to go and throw up. so far i haven't, but the urge is so strong. I want to eat normally and shit, but i also don't want to. empty stomach means flatter stomach, and flat is better.
I jsut ate, and i have to hold myself here so i don't go and chuck up. sometimes i jsut go and sit in the bathroom, hoping that the feeling will go away.

How stupid can one person be?

2005-10-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

aren't crazy pills meant to make you feel better? whenever i take mine they just make me sad. i hate them. i took one and now i'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face and i have no fucknig idea why. i have felt like this all day, i jsut want it to go away. i want to feel good, about anything. but i don't, i feel crap at everything. i ruin so many things in my life.
its all lies. i am not beautiful. i am disgusting, i am flawed. i can't fix it, i have tried so many times, but nothing seems to work. i will continue to try. i want my ribs to stick out, and my face to be pretty, even slighty. i don't bother with beautiful, it will never happen. When i look in the mirror i want to be sick. can that thing really be me?? i hate it SO MUCH.
i can't stand all these doubts and worries, i try to push them away but they continue to force themselves upon me. they make me want to curl up in my room and never come out. they make me bawl my eyes out and slash myself open. they burn my belly and tighten my throat. i can't take it.

Excuse me while I shout out my anger

2005-09-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

I hate this body that has been forced upon me. I hate the massive bulges all over it, and the way it moves. If it was like i wanted it to be it would be the bare minimals. Itwould be skin over bones, no fat at all. Bones would stick out all over the place. That is beauty. I am not beauty. My stomach is not concave like it should be. My thighs are not as small as my knees and my butt is not rock hard and nearly non existant. Everything about this body is fat and meaty. I want it to be delicate and gorgeous, but no matter how many thigh tighteners i do, they still touch. i want there to be gaps!!! why am i punished with this hideous body??? Why am i not strong enough to resist all food. Why must i say yes when people offer me food? AAll food is bad, none of it is needed. There is enough fat on this enormous body to last a life time. Why can i no longer force my finers down my throat, till it is scratches and sore, but my tummy empty. For a few wonderful months i got away with not eating and chucking all up. No one even had a clue. That is the only bad thing about their break up, she is now not so stoned. I carve thiness, i crave the beauty i do not posses. Don't tell me i'm beautiful, i HATE liars. I must go and force myself to do more and more exercises. Leg lifts, sit ups, push ups, squats, millions of others. I must do what i can with this vile body.

Hearts live by being wounded

2005-09-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

i hate the way i love you. i hate the way i get like this. i hate the way i care what you say adn what you do. I hate they way i think you hate me, i hate the way you don't seem to care. I hate the was i cried in your arms, i hate the way you wanted to know why. I hate the way i always get like this, no matter how many times i tell myself not to. If hearts live by being wounded then surely mine has lived long enough. i am foolish to continue beig so open. it is not safe to do so. Nothing can ever be the same now. I just want to not love you. cause i don't want to hurt you. Or me. I am sick of the hurt that burns right through me.

Fix me like an icebox that melted a town away

2005-08-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

have you ever chewed on your lips so hard its bled? thats what i'm doing now. Was having a good night, but i dunno. changed. Its all been bad bad bad lately. i knew like a month ago, i sensed this coming on.
argghh i want to be angry at him. i have no idea why, i love him. fucking hell i hate this. i just want to go get stoned, get drunk get anything. i want to cut myself a million times and then a trillion more. i want to stick my fingers down my throat till i'm coughing up my stomach. i want to hold a lighter against my arm and watch the skin sizzle. i want to never sleep again. i want to go and swallow a hundred panadol, one after the other. i want to do all this and a million things more to destroy myself. And i have no fucking idea why.

his family waves goodbye, he makes the final cut

2005-07-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

argh, i think tom's angry at me.... : ( he's not talking to me, i don't like it. I can't think of anything that i'vedone to annoy him so i'm lost.... argh! ah well i refuse to let it get me down!!!

i think its time for a new blog....

2005-07-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

erk, i've fucked up my sleeping. i can't sleep at night anymore, its really annoying. better not write, might wake the ogre up....

have you ever been seduced by lies? is it possible to trip when you can fly? theres too many questions racing through my mind...

2005-07-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

i feel kind of slack for not writing in here in ages. but i think its also a good thing, cause i used to only write in here when things were bad. so i guess that means things are getting better right. but the thing is, i don't know if i want things to be good. which is crazy i know. but i had fun in those days. i think it was cause their seemedto be so many bad things gonig on that even something that was slightly good seemed like the happiest moment in my life.
But now, cause things are better it takes more. and i still get down really really easy. i've lost that thing i used to have. it used to feel like no one had the key to me, and could only get to me if i let them. now it feels like i;ve been chained down for the world to see. and i hate it.
I'd much rather go back to before. i say that, but i don't know if i mean it. i'm so confused about myself. like would i rather go back to a time where i was cutting, stoned out of my mind but still having fun? when i was like that i felt everything, but it duidn't matter cause this was what life was. being able to feel everything. or do i prefer now. not smoking, only cutting sometimes but not able to feel anything. it seems like life is a burden, there seems no point to school. i can't find it in me to pay attention for more then five minutes. but i think i'm happy. everyone always says i'm always smiling and laughing. but have i jsut been pretending so much that it had even fooled me? or am i truely happy now?
argghh,i just wish i knew the answers. can someone help me out? or am i alone here?

Does it hurt when you think about me and how broken my heart is?

2005-06-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

I want a boy.
+ A nice boy.
+ Someone who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me.
+ Hold my hand in line.
+ Someone who would sing to me at random moments.
+ Who would let me sleep on his chest.
+ And I would love it that whenever we went to shows, he wouldn't mind it if i drooled over the lead singer (or bassy boy) for the night.
+ He wouldn't’t mind me re-saying the lines to all my favorite movies.
+ He would get along with my parents
+ He would surprise me with 25 cent rings.
+ We would have contests of how far we could spit our gum, or how far we could jump off a swing.
+ He would take me to the park.
+ Sometimes at night we would put on music and dance in our pajamas.
+ Oh and I'd love his bed head.
+ We would play tag on the beach.
+ He'd tell all his friends about me and smile when he did.
+ This boy would dedicate songs to me at his shows
+ We'd sit on the kitchen floor and eat sandwiches.
+ We'd make out in the rain.
+ He would write me notes to tell me where he was if he left when I wasn’t around.
+ He'd kiss me every morning when he woke up.
+He'd always tell me when something didn’t look good, and I didn’t mind.
+ He'd play monopoly with me until the "wee hours" of the morning.
+ He'll always make out with me when I want him and never pull away.
+ He'd be someone to share lollipops with.
+ He will get along with all my friends, and vice versa.
+ He would never be embarrassed to say "I Love You" In front of his friends.
+ We'd take midnight car rides down to the beach.
+ We'd have pillow fights and throw sheets when we changed them.
+ I want a boy who can argue over stupid things with me
+ He'd love music just as much as I do
+ He would play around with me and buy swords with me at cheapo stores.
+ We would make funny faces at each other when im on the phone.
+ I want someone who would lay with me outside under the stars.
+ Someone who would take me to the city just to walk around.
+ Someone who will squirt me with water guns in the house.
+ I would like to write my name in a heart on his hip bone, and him to write his on mine.
+ Talk to on msn about stupid things.
+ Someone who would look me in the eye and tell me something very, very serious, yet silly and tell me not to laugh.
+ A boy who wouldn’t mind me putting mustard on everything, He'd never say "ew that’s gross".
+ Someone who would make me laugh like no one else could.
+ He'd surprise me all the time.
+ He'd like to chew ice just as much as I did.
+ He wouldn't break my heart or lie to me.(or cheat)
+ A boy who likes stars also like I do.
+ He'd hold me closer than normal if I was sick.
+ He would draw me pictures.
+ We'd go out a lot, but also stay home some weekends like hermits and keep to ourselves.
+ We'd buy disposable camera's in bulk and take tons of pictures.
+ We'd fight sometimes, but he never settles on what I think, it would have to be mutual.
+ I want a boy who would open up to me.
+ who i couldn't live without.
+ a guy who didn't mind when i felt like going crazy, and did.
+Who would let me take lots and ltos of photos of him.

hyms of a needle freak

2005-06-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

fucknig hell. i wish dad would actually get up and do something!! all fucknig day i've been sittig here not able to do anything while he continually mumbles that he's ready to go out then goes back to sleep. or wakes up for a few minutes to complain and then sleeps. HE IS A FAG.
i made him a coffee. i hope it tastes terrible.
wow he sat up for a second. but now he's down again and moaning. he's right about one thing, he is a bad dad.
SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's blaming it all on this pill he took. well he shouldn't have taken it. fucking idiot.
ah well gotten some pot and about 10 bucks already. gotta get some more money but.
oooh it one of those sad animal protection adds again. they're always sad. as soon as i'm old enough i wanna work for an animal protection place. i should start looknig into thm now...

100 weird facts

2005-06-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

1. Fluorescent lights cause condoms to decompose

2. Sperm/vaginal secretions from vegetarians tastes better than meat eaters (stay away from asparagus, though).

3. Alcohol does not kill brain cells. it detaches them (they cannot be re-attached, as that would involve reproduction of nervous tissue, which is impossible after approximately age five).

4. The minimum age for alcohol consumption isn't actually a national law, but federal highway funds are withheld from states who don't comply (of which there are none).

5. According to the catholic church, masturbation is a mortal sin (i.e., you'll burn in Hell for it).

6. Lightning starts from the ground.

7. None of Freud¹s theories are testable, and are therefore invalid.

8. According to a study, America is the third most violent nation in the world. (Iran and Iraq 'beat' us by a little bit)

9. In California the number of gallons of water needed to produce one pound of beef is 5214, the amount to produce one pound of tomatoes is 23. (This came from "Water requirements for food production" Soil and Water, #38 (fall 1978), Univ. of California Cooperative Extension, Via EarthSave.)

10. The Church of Satan does not believe in Satan (or God).

11. When Satan is first presented in the bible, he is the equivalent of God's prosecuting attorney, notably not God's enemy (in fact, they're hanging out together at one point).

12. Oprah used to be on crack (she claims not to be anymore, but i don't believe it for a second.)

13. If you are struck by lightening once, you are 100,000 times more likely to be struck a second time.

14. Saturn is the top-selling make of car among lesbians.

15. Mary (Jesus' mom) wasn't a virgin until the sixth century, when they (the people who make those decisions) 'adjusted' the story to correlate with the myth of Hercules. This was done so that the Greeks/romans could relate better to the Jesus story.

16. You know how all of those big office parks have man-made ponds with the fountains in them? Well, they actually have to have those...before they can get a license to build such a complex, they first have to agree to dig a big pond, and they also have to agree to slope all of the cement toward the pond. the pond also has to be filtered, of course, to get all the crap and run-off and stuff out of the water.

17. Madrid is the only European capital city not situated on a river.

18. The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is not the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane because the "25 de Abril" bridge in Lisbon, over the "Tejo" river also has a train below the cars, so this could happen there too, especially since the airport is inside the city.

19. It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.

20. Emus cannot walk backwards.

21. There are only thirteen blimps in the world.

22. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

23. David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

24. The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-red and ultra-violet light.

25. Des Moines, Iowa has the highest per capita Jell-O consumption in the U.S

26. Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.

27. The pupil of octopi and goats eyes are rectangular.

28. The first prime number after 1,000,000 is 1,000,003.

29. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

30. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

31. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

32. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

33. There are almost twice as many people in Rhode Island than there are in Alaska.

34. Alexander Hamilton was shot by Aaron Burr in the groin.

35. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

36. St. Augustine was the first major proponent of the "missionary" position.

37. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

38. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

39. On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.

40. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

41. Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties in climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.

42. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

43. Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)

44. Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.

45. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

46. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

47. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

48. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

49. Only humans and horses have hymens.

50. The Saturn V moon rocket consumed 15 tons of fuel per second.

51. Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.

52. In case you ever find yourself piloting a dogsled, shout "Jee!" to make the dogs turn left and "Ha!" to go right.

53. Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man, woman, and child in the world.

54. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

55. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with, e.g. Asia, Europe.

56. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

57. Pierre, South Dakota is the only example of a state and capital in the U.S. that don't share any letters.

58. Several buildings in Manhattan have their own zip code! The World Trade Center has several.

59. Every photograph of an American atomic bomb detonation was taken by Harold Edgerton.

60. Dr. Seuss is pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

61. You would have to count to one thousand to use the letter "A" in the English language to spell a whole number.

62. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

63. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.

64. No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver, month, oriole, or purple.

65. Former US Senator Barry Goldwater attended the opening night ceremonies and festivities at Bugsy Siegel's famous Las Vegas casino. They left him out of the movie Bugsy. He is pissed.

66. It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.

67. Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.

68. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact. So, throw your cat off a building today!

69. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

70. The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

71. The phrase "rule of thumb" is not derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than her thumb. (info)

72. To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

73. During conscription for W.W.II, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles.

74. Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles.

75. 'matinee' (used by Americans to refer to an afternoon show) is derived from a French word meaning morning.

76. Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle

77. Swans are the only birds with penises.

78. Polar bears' fur is not white, it's clear.

79. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

80. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.

81. The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots (according to some people) or 'Cat's Eyes' (according to others)...notably, the inventor calls them Cat's Eyes.

82. Starfish don't have brains.

83. Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.

84. 'Restaurant' actually means 'soup' (it's actually a French word)

85. Coca-Cola was originally green.

86. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

87. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

88. Smartest dogs: 1) Scottish border collie; 2) Poodle; 3) Golden retriever.

89. Dumbest dog: Afghan hound.

90. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

91. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

92. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000 93. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

94. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

95. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

96. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

97. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

98. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear:7

99. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

100. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

loves divine, spread the word

2005-06-03T04:14:00.000-07:00

i'm overwhelmed with a sense of loving for you all. i want you to know that your fabulous, you can do anything and everything if you want to. your fabulous and even when you feel theres no point going on there is. cause there will always be someone that loves you, even if it feels there is noone.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
love always xoxoxoxox

A dream is never a dream without your sweet face

2005-06-02T03:32:00.000-07:00

ahhh time to write in here again. feel like shit. it seems like ervyones fake and i havn't got any friends. and i've felt so dumb lately. like on the englsi hthing. i thought it was actually good. then i get a c. like the second last mark in the class. isn't really helped by mum making apointments with the school.
and it feels like jess had her own life and is slowly shoving me away. like, she doesn't need my friendship or anytihng, she'd much rather hang with nat and claud and mel. you can tell. so i can see why she would.
really really NEED to get smashed. get away from anything. haven't felt that feeling in so so so long. such a good good feeling. even jsut sucknig on the bong would be great. there are so many great feelings realted to getting stoned. i mena, wow i always feel good getting stoned. lighting thr pot and sucking it through. and thatv hiss when you get it all.... bliss. smiling jsut thinking about it. a real smile to. not a fake, i'm okay smile.

I'm tired of the insomnia and the tears that run down my face in the morning

2005-05-23T02:19:00.000-07:00

erk. bad mood. listening to strawberry gashes by jack off jill and wishing i could slice myself open. thatwould be fabulous. but got no fucking blades. Tom broke his arm at5 footy. and then came in the mosh at the veld. but he didn't know it was broken then. which is worse i spose. didn't get to see him today. : ( dunno if i can be bothered gonig to school tomorrow. see how i feel in the morning. if tom says he's going though i probs will. cause i really wnt to see him. can't even go a day without missing him, pathetic i know. blleeegghhh. i think i'm gonna go read sad stuff and make myself even sadder.....

However far away I will always love you

2005-05-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

haven't written in here much lately. perins party was tonight. very good. tom was scrumtious : D. but my mouth went kind of numb after, ah well i spose thats what you get for kissing lots. it was excellent. :D
hmm.. i wonder if anyone actually reads this, as most bloggers do.... so if ur reading this move those fat hands and type me a message....

ok short entry i know, but i am actually tired so i can't be bothered to think of anything interesting and witty and i have no feelings. so yeah

Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops

2005-05-07T02:38:00.000-07:00

arggghh, had another fight with claire. so annoying. apparently she had a worse day than me.... hmmm ok. so anyway i'd just had a shit day and i'd already scratched the fuck out of my legs with a pair of blunt as scissors and she telling me i was not worth having in ehr life cause i was so messed up really made my day great. so i ended the day by swallowing about 12 panadols and more attempts to peirce the skin with those fucking scissors. dunno why i bother with them, they are sooo bad. i really need to get some more blades or soemthing. i wanna get a knife this time but. jsut to see what thats like. mmmmmm.... knife. would be heaps harder to conceal but. whatever

Cover my coffin and shovel the dirt

2005-05-06T02:40:00.000-07:00

i don't understand why she is lying t0 me. i spose she didn't want to tell me cause we're not really friends i guess.... its just a fake friendship, probably means nothing to her at all. its her choice if she tells me or not but does this means theres other things that she doesn't tell me either? probably loads. i dunno if i should give up on this friendship or not, i mean, sure its good sometimes, but there's so many things that kinda hint that she doesn't actually like me. arrgghh i should jsut take the hint and fuck off i guess, but i jsut love her. so confusing, i dunno what to do. let it ride i guess. i wonder if its the same for everyone else as well? do they ust pretend and stand there trying to give me hints to fuck off and trying to decided whether to jsut walk off or tell me what thy really feel or what? stupid, stupid life. why can't it just die for fucks sake.

Confusion writhes around our hearts

2005-04-26T02:12:00.000-07:00

mmm.... shit day qat the movies today. good to see people i guess. but both the movies were shit as. sat next to ethan and jess in both the movies. Didn't sit next to tom in either. slash he didn't go see the second one but hey, whatever. so i hardly saw him or talked to him all day. and jess fucking lost my thongs. so pissed. i really don't think tom likes me anymore. its like he doesn't wanna be around me. we don't have anytihng to say either. there's always these big gaps in the conversation. like now. we've probably said.... two things to each other. great. is this the way it's gonna end. fuck i don't want it to end. but i don't wanna be stuck with a guy who pretends around me and who i can't be crazy with or talk to. i cry so fucking much over him to. over stupid stuff yea, but i'm a crazy, unhappy, anxy, bitch. i don't wanna fucking cry over someone i love as much as him.

the hero dies in this one

2005-04-25T03:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes i forget why i'm still doing this. cutting myself up.
and then i close my eyes and try to sleep. and then i remember that this is how i cope. but is it really coping?
i ask myself if it is reallly worth the scars and being yelled at all for jsut a few seconds of happiness that the cuts bring. and it kinda scares me that the answer is yes.
i only ever seem to write the bad shit in here. it's like i don't want to remember the good crap that happens. and happiness doesn't last long for me. ah well... whatever

When the sun set on your dying eyes
My mouth said goodbye
But my heart did not
When the day became night
And the world became dark
I held your dead hand and waited
I was waiting for the rising sun
To rise with you and rise with me
But the world keeps turning
And the sun is burning
But here in our space
We are still waiting for the sun
To shine into our glassy eyes
And bring back our lost minds

16 factor test.....

2005-02-26T16:50:00.000-08:00

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth		62%
Intellect		70%
Emotional Stability		34%
Aggressiveness		54%
Liveliness		54%
Dutifulness		30%
Social Assertiveness		70%
Sensitivity		70%
Paranoia		70%
Abstractness		66%
Introversion		78%
Anxiety		58%
Openmindedness		58%
Independence		50%
Perfectionism		54%
Tension		54%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

You know that summer never stopped... I still pretend I'm there

2005-02-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

ok so i've been searching the net again and found some more sites.....

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possed cat story.... freaky

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mutant cyclops baby that an apparently normal russian women gave birth to

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finally answers to those questions about shift keys

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can you tell the differnece between the females and shemales? i got 14 out of 16

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1,230 adult jokes

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piercers stories about stinky, perverted, angry coustomers and at home jobs...

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smurf name generator!!!!

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we all need to recognise this cruelty against bugs!

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the top ten revenge stories

Promise me you'll never let me go

2005-02-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

are you confused about how to create your own blog? just follow these 51 steps and you'll be a hot as blogger in no time.

1. Find a free blogging service, such as www.blogspot.com
2.Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the blogging service, or one created by you.
4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.
5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".
6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.
7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.
8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.
9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.
10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).
11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.
12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.
13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.
14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.
15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.
16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.
17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.
18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.
19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.
20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.
21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.
22. Complete your first post.
23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.
24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".
25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.
26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous
27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.
28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.
29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.
30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.
31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous
32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.
33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.
34. Stand up and get another drink.
35. Sit back down at your computer desk.
36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.
37. Complete the second post.
38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.
39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.
40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.
41. Refuse and hang up phone.
42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.
43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.
44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.
45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.
46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).
47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"
48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.
49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.
50. Repeat for the rest of your life.
51. Welcome To Blogging!

She carries the act so convincingly, the fact is sometimes she believes it: that she can be happy the way things are

2005-02-05T23:21:00.000-08:00

yaya i can write on my blog again!!!! soooo mad, dad HAS to fix my computer or i'll die.....

i could inject these powdered roses into my viens like liquid cocaine

2005-02-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

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pretty interesting. people send in postcards with their confessions on them.....

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oh this is so funny.... really strange newspaper adds

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some of the stupidest stuff you could ever ever buy. i love it

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i played this game for about four hours....... it is quite the funness defending your castle from stick figure soilders..... one hint: convert as many of them as you can and build up the walls cause when the big people come.... wow..... i killed 8295 people...... so mad, especially when there's a mass killing and theres blood everywhere..... my final score was 1536650..... if you can beat that then tell me......

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this guy is sarcastic, rude and downright funny..... i love it

weird links

2005-01-26T06:12:00.000-08:00

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this site has put a camera in the coffin of a 41 year old women. you get to watch her rot.... how fun....

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this is just weird

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these are fucking halarious. especially Schlorbians Again, Gnome Bubbles, Angry Hammer (took me a while to get), Caring for Your Turtle, Snail Harassment, Not Today Little One ( gotta be my favourite ;)), New Specs for Ken, Adult Heaven, Monkey Photographer, Nude Beach, Gopher Girlfriend, Butterflies, Puppy Wish and Instant Bacon.

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gotta love that disney porn.....

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you can learn knee surgery online now for those times when you need to replace a failing knee joint at home... you gotta look at the real pictures......

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omg omg omg!!! THIS DOG CAN WALK LIKE A HUMAN!!!!

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apparently the 100 most annoying things from 2004.....

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calvin and hobbes.... a bit annoying to get to each one but so so good.... *drool*

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hmmm.... this is fucked up... imagine how many millions of crap new yorkers have this to make them feel hip and loved....

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mmmmm....... Calvin and Hobbes Snow Art Gallery........ god i love this site

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"The meatrix"... shows the cruelty of animals in a cartoon rip off of the matrix

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lost and found site inluding things such as found: your stash, lost: annoying wife and found: knife wielding mouse.

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some weird tests... really weird

To be kicked when you're down and feel like you've been pushed around

2005-01-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

omg had to tell you what just happened!!! they jsut got .. its andy ritcher controls the universe.... ok back to the story..... thy got this little sick asian boy to go into this girls dressing room and lick her mints and her glases and her phone adn backwash in her water. its soooooooo funny

Love is a four letter lie

2005-01-24T02:33:00.000-08:00

omg this is the best show ever! its on at like 2:30am....... andy someone controls the universe or something. it's halarious. he's talking to this girl whos having some stupid problem and he's like thinking i wonder what it would be like if i had wheels. oh what am i thinking my friends in a crisis. hey do you wanna see what i'd look like with wheels? he looks so funny with wheels. well i'm gonna go watch it.

I loved you. Remember that when you forget to forget about me.

2005-01-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

i can't take this anymore. i want this to all go away. i want to go away. i want to run and run and run for years on end. i'm hurting so bad. i don't want to be but i am. fuck it i say. fuck all this shit. i want to overdose and pass out. that brings happy memories. it shouldn't but it does. i want help but i don't deserve it. i dererve more pain, more hurt, more yelling and hitting......

The sharp hint of new tears

2005-01-23T17:02:00.000-08:00

friggin hell. i have to get a bloodtest! i was meant to have one today but i caused enough of a scene to be able to get out of it. but i cant get one until at least the 7th of february cause then the shit should be out of my blood.
mum's gonna try and force me to get one this arvo. it's gonna cause such a scene though cause i'm gonna refuse. i can't get one yet... i dunno if they'll tell them if i've been smoking pot or what.... fuck it i just don't care. if they know then oh well.

Every moment I wish I was broken on the outside, then I could justify why I feel like a million pieces on the inside

2005-01-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

i'm so jealous of the people how are able to tell people all their problems. fuck, i can't even write everything i want to in here cause i know some people read it. i am soo scared of someone finding out what happened before that i won't even mention it anywhere, not even my paper diary, in case someone reads it. it fucking sucks that i can't express all this shit in my head anywhere. i wont even let myself write down what i think about every single fucking day and then burn it. i'd be too paranoid that people would be able to magically unburn it and read it.....

i'm fucking addicted, there, i admit it

2005-01-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

i'm digusted with myself. i'm lying here thinking how badly i want to get stoned. i can't sleep cause of it. how did i let myself get this way? this is the longest i've gone without getting stoned in quite a while. i haven't smoked a cone for 16 days. wow. most days i think about it too. it's pathetic. i wish i hadn't tried it but i'm glad i did in a way. i really just want to go into dads office and get high. i just want to really badly. i was gonna say need there, thats how crap i am....
i never want to get high again but i no that i will. i don't have the will power to say no to a cone right now. if i had a bong i'd probs be getting stoned right now. thats bad. yea even though i consider myself bad i could never ask for help to stop. i could never tell someone whp hasn't tried to quit pot what i'm going through. i know i haven't been smoking it for that long but i think i'm addicted to it..... FUCK YOU SUCK LIANA!!!!!!
right now i'm trying to get drunk so i can forget about getting stoned... so bad. ah well. dad did buy me the alcahol. god and dad said he was proud of me cause he thinks i
m a good, happy, nice girl. i'm the total oposite and that makes me feel...... gross..... i'm disgusted with myself. everything about me i hate. every inch, every thought, every partical.
i'm feeling a fair bit tipsy... maybe cause i've drunk a fair bit. i've had two apple and rasberry auras, and about 4 glasses of wine..... dad only thinks i've had the wine... so dumb... ah well i'm not gonna change what he's thinking.
i saw te'a today. she's so inocent. very... young. like i used to be... she still likes toys and hasn't even considered hugging a guy. she doesn't think she'd even be ready to kiss a guy for christ sake. she still likes hilary duff and gets total girl... ahhhh i used to be like that....
i can't even imagine myself like that anymore...... ah well, there's only me to blame for beoming a pot head, druggie loser.

I thought you should know, you're not making this easy

2005-01-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

along with the dark has come this black. its quite annoying really. i'm listening to avril lavigne.... shes sings like angry at the world songs with an upbeat tune... and some of the stuff she says doesnt make sense but i love her music. quite good.

dam i love pens. i really want a box of pens. i love boxes of pens. they make me excited. and that big stationary place.... dam i love that place. office works! thats it. soooooo mad.

i love just surfing round diaryland. very relaxing. i spose that makes me nosey, reading other peoples diaries, but they let you and it calms me. in fact i think i shall go spend a few hours doing just that.....

a permanent solution to a temporary problem

2005-01-22T03:49:00.000-08:00

Suicide: The Permanent Solution To A Temporary Problem
Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone.
What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.
What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.
What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too.
But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it.
Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son?
The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.
Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.
You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.
You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? -Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left.
Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

100 useless facts about me

2005-01-22T01:03:00.000-08:00

i'm a gemini

my favourite colour is purple, closely followed by black

my mum thought i was going to be a boy. i was gonna be called thomas

i am able to spend a little over $300 in jb hi-fi in about 10minutes..... slahs spend dads money

when i was little i wanted to grow up and be a kangaroo

if there's quiet in a conversation i start thinking really strange things, like toe arthritis

i dislike coke very much but i get strong cravings for it when i'm shopping

i can't stand drinking coffee at home but i can drink it from a cafe

my door isn't being beat down at the moment

My favorite ice cream is Baskin-Robbins Peanut Butter and Chocolate

cats are my favourite ever animals. a few years ago my cat was diagnoised with cancer and we put him down. when we move i'll be allowed to get a new one

i have a secret obsession with all that asian stationary. but when i buy it i find it's mostly too gorgeous so i keep it forever and can't use it.

my favourite thing in the whole world is getting mail. it makes me extremely happy

i love reading trashy romance novals

if i have to go into the living room at night and the lights out it freaks me out sooo bad

i hate it when people say hello to me when i walk into a store

i prefer using an atm then a bank teller

my favourite sport is netball

i don't really want to die, i just dont want to feel this shit

i make myself watch the bits in movies where people slowly get sliced open even if it digusts me

i couldn't live without my extensive collections of lipgloss's and balms

i worry about everything

when i was younger i would hear marching in my head and think that there was an army coming to kill me

i have a recurring nightmare where a volcano has erupted and a dinosaur is chasing me

i have a massive crush on Jake Gyllenhaal

i adore music with my soul. i couldn't survive without being able to listen to it

i can't stand people taking photos of me

it takes a lot of effort to think good things about myself

i'm really bad at maths and if i have a teacher that i don't like i wont even try

i can't stand people touching my feet

some days i get cravings to do something arty

my favourite number is 19

i hate all seafood

i get frustrated easily

if i can't see the bottom of the water then i wont go in

if seaweed touches my legs then i will totally freak out

i seem to be getting worse and worse at spelling

i swear too much

i am unable to hang clothes up as soon as i get them

i don't save money very well

i usually delete forwards as soon as i get them

if a guy asked me for sex i'd laugh at him

people around me say what i say, this happens a lot

i think my entire family sucks

my favourite flowers are tulips

i prefer chocolate to vanilla

i love pens and loose thousands every day

hairy chests are filthy

i like writing

i like rain

whever i move house i seem to loose something i love

i never believe anyone when they say they love me or that i'm beautiful

i hide things from people

i love being a girl

i have the worst insomnia

i'm addicted to the internet

i have an obsession with painting my nails black

the day after i paint my nails i usually tend to rip it off

i could live on water crackers

i keep almost everything, even stupid things

i love my phone

i love horror movies

my favourite drink is v

i liked rap

i HATE bugs touching my flesh

i can't stand reality shows where they turn people into singers

i have very strange conversations

if i was a fruit i would be a pineapple

i can ride a horse

i love those cheapo lemonade ice blocks

blank cds are the my best friend

i have a secret desire to be kissed in the rain

slaters are the only bugs i like

i think its strange when guys slap each others arses

i hate plastic christmas trees

i love flying

i hate heights

boats scare me

i can't stop cracking my knuckles

i'm like my weetbix soggy and mixed together with sultanas but all the milk drained out once it's soggy

i'm obsessed with my blankie and pillow

i've had my pillow most of my life

i hate christmas holidays cause they always have cricket on the telly

i find it really hard to trust guys

i hate the o.c, summerland and one tree hill

i don't like any movie to do with space except the tidal wave one

i love mint flavoured things

i take my mp3 player everywhere

i don't leave the house without my mp3 player, my wallet, my phone and lipgloss

i love wearing rings

i own about 27 rings

i like hotels better when they have nice bedspreads and electric blankets

talking toys annoy me

movies that are half cartoon and half real also piss me off

i get sea sick but only at night time

i believe that teen girl squad is the best comic ever

i love watching adds

my elbows are always dry

i love tom

tripy things rock

i am so glad this list is finished

I've been waiting. I'll always be waiting.

2005-01-21T18:53:00.000-08:00

aahhhh how good it is to be able to go on the internet again.... i was like having withdrawls from not being able to go on... i cant remember anything that had happened lately at all......

And I feel like I'm living the worst day over and over again

2005-01-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

there's no cure for the pain. oh so right. i wish it wasn't but it is. it cant get hot enough, it can't hurt enough. i'm craving it, need it but can't fufill it. i wonder how long i'll get away with it for before she finds out? what will i sink to when she does? she'll never understand that no matter what she says she can't stop me.
YOUR WORDS OF ABANDONMENT DO NOTHING TO ME!
i'll continue to do it, just in different spots. i can't quench the hate. oh how i wish i could, but i can't.

Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

2005-01-14T23:05:00.000-08:00

i'm quite proud of myself. its night time and i'm happy! usually i feel bad at night. its been ages since i've been happy at night. maybe cause i might be seeing Tom on Sunday :D.
my nails look so fucked up. i was painting them black and my blacks gone all shity so they were chunky so i took it off, but now that i lookat them i did a shit job. i shall have to do it again.
i wonder if they make nail polish remover smell so bad. nothing is meant to smell that bad.
and i'm also proud of myself cause i haven't burnt tonight. i've started doing that again, over stupid things too. it seems every night i can find a reason to burn. but no where enar as bad as before. which is a good thing.
ok what the fuck it that...... like thunder, but not..... ah well
someone is in the kitchen having a binge....... i think its craig cause of the fottsteps but mums usually the one who gets up to eat.if they eat the rest of the sasuage rolls i shall have to kill them. they're for me and jess. ah well.
i made my bed for the first time these holidays. its actually really nice to have a made bed, i forgot what it was like to lay on my bed and not have the covers all over the place. except i was really dumb and made the bed with my phone in it. my phone is constantly in my bed. its strange, i know, but i'll wake up at like 4 and checkthe time then fall back asleep with the phone in my hand so then it magically gets to the bottom of my bed most nights.
i've finally started on my poster. quite pleased with it even though i've hardly done any. i'm not even fully sure what i'm gonna do once finished the drawing and writing. i want to paint over it in black but i think that would ruin some of the pics. but i also want the writing to stand out so i might only do that. but that would look strange...... i don't really want to leave it just in pencil, it needs something more.....
i really wanna get some sleeping pills so i can regulate my sleep. it's gonna be so annoying when i can't get to sleep before one oclock on a school night. i always regret going to bed late in the moring when i'm too tired to get up. its rediculous how bad i am at sleeping. sitting here my eyes are heavy and i'm really tired but even if i tried heaps hard it would be impossible. i can't even type properly i'm that stuffed. i'm getting heaps of sleep during the day but......

And your noticing nothing again

2005-01-14T04:17:00.000-08:00

fuck i think i just lost a really long post i did..... how annoying.....
i have i killed the prom queen stuck in my head....... upon a rivers sky, great song but a really strange one to get stuck in your head.....
ok, i didn't lose the post whichis excelent cause i could enevr rememebr all that i wrote then.
it turns out that it was thunder, now lightning has also come. i can see it out the corner f my eye lighting up the sky as i type.
ok i think i have written enough for now. soem night i write about four posts and others i just write one. i dunno why i feel the need to start new ones, i just do...
ok one more thing to say. i write these as if i'm writing to someone but i'm not really. i'm just writing what i feel or think. i guess there are people reading this (claire and lorri:P) and i feel as if i'm writing to you sometimes, but i'm not...... i'm jsut rambling on yet again.... bye now (SEE!)

There's a secret I've been perfecting

2005-01-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

i've decided i really don't like ciggarates. they're crap and pot's easier to smoke and get anyhow. parents are always counting their smokes in case their kids try to take them but they never think to notice their pot.... dumarses......
i wanted to smoke pot so bad today. but i'm not gonna. i really want to but i'm stopping. for real this time. if tom knew that i still smoke it he'd kill me. or even worse, he'd dump me.
i did nothing again today.... i think i did soemthing.... oh yea i watched sex and the city for hours on end. it was good but there's still more to watch which is good.
i felt so bad last night. i was laying in bed and i started getting leg pains and then my heart stated hurting heaps and i wa sjust laying there going ow, what the fuck is going on.... really annoying

Was it worth it when it was over?

2005-01-12T01:48:00.000-08:00

there's never anything to talk about. i waana burn or cut or just hurt myself. punishment for living.........

I'll write your name on the bullet, so everyone knows that you were the last thing, to go through my head.

2005-01-12T01:39:00.000-08:00

i'm so scared of tom. i want him to get angry with me, to have a fight. i'm getting way too close to him but i can't stop it. i want him to hit me across the face, make me bleed. i don't want to love him. every time i love someone it turns out badly.

i wish he'd do something, anything. i want him to abuse me, to hurt me and make me hate him now. i'm sick of waiting, it's gonna happen anyway so why not now.

I need you like you need her

2005-01-12T01:38:00.000-08:00

i am sitting here crying for no reason whatsoever. i was happy this morning. now i'm crying. every word to tom hurts though i have no idea why. i'm getting that feeling of utter sadness and my vision is blurred by the tears.
except when i even hear my sister. she makes my so angry. i feel anger more then anything in the whole world and i don't know why. i feel empty but full.....

I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it

2005-01-12T01:34:00.000-08:00

i'm dying. dying from, everything. i'm not scared of dying, i'm more scared of living. i'm scared of being me in case i get rejected. i'm so sick of hurting. i'm sick of what i think every day. i'm scared to stay awake, i'd rather sleep where you can escape anything.

I'm gonna kill myself

2005-01-11T05:02:00.000-08:00

dam all the circles have faded..... ah well, at least i've felt them, i just don't have any reminders of the pain. i'm just doing one now. again and again and again. the skins gone all blotchy and gross.

dam i have to wake up in seven hours and 4 minutes..... ah welll..... i'm not tired at all...... but i'll be hell tired on the morning at ice skating......

so disappointed tom's not going. he didn't even tellme, he just told lorri. not that he had to tell me, i'd have just liked to know.....

i can only find once circle on my hand from before...... its reed.... theres a few sorta half circles as well. the one that i'm doing now should leave a mark.... if it doesn't i'll be very annoyed. i'll leave it for a few minutes to see if it fades.....

seven hours now........

sometimes, well a lot of the time actually, i think that tom hates me. even if he doesn't do anything it feels like it. i get so paranoid that he's ignoring me sometimes that i just curl up and stay there for hours. one day i spent the most of the day in my bed just thinking about every little thing about him and how he hated me and all this shit. i just felt something.... in me but out of me?...... that sorta said, he hates you and he's gonna dump you. and it was so strong and scared me so much. if he dumped me.... i'd die. i'd curl over and die.

*Comfortably Confused

2005-01-11T03:57:00.000-08:00

there was once a little girl with sparkling eyes who was free to be herself. now in her own mind she is chained like a prisioner. she is ruled by a monster. nothing else matters. whenever she isn't sleepnig she's crying. she never leaves the house or anwsers the phone. she hates herself and fantasises about better times, times when she felt better. now she is lost and tourmented. caught in a web of fears. she's stuck in a locked box with no keys and no way out. she is depressed they say, depressed is all. depressed, surpressed, repressed, obsessed and it's all her fault. she plays puppet to the world and no one knows how she feels. she knows that she might not make it through the night, she can hardly breathe as she begs for the relief of death. either that or something to save her. to pull her up from this dark hole called life. she can't save herself even if she still tried. hopeless, that is what she is. well now she is dying. when she really wants help or even just a sholder to cry on. burn the flesh, sleep... thats how she'll live till she dies.she want to cry, but she can't. she's exhusted from crying and doomed to die. her true friends seem so far away. the ones who help her burn seem closer. she hates herself, she is so sad. DIE BITCH DIE! the voices all declare in unison. its the voices that always win. soon she will be free, however it wont be soon enough.

Someone that leaves you defenseless, dependent and alone

2005-01-10T01:55:00.000-08:00

fuck you sister. i hate you. i truely wish you would die so everyone could see how i did not cry for you at your funeral. i would not miss you. you are a hipocrite. you lie, you cheat, you take drugs, have sex. and i protect you. all i'm asking for is for you to be at least a bit nice. your the one who crashes me when i'm feeling alright. just leave me the fuck alone

I'm never gonna be what you wanna see

2005-01-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

did you hear that thud? that was me hitting rock bottom... again.
is there a word thats means your sadder then sad? cause thats what i am.....

We all begin with good intent

2005-01-09T01:18:00.000-08:00

ok so maybe your not good, but your a bit better. cold, but better.
ok jumper is on. now the big question, should you eat dinner or not? hmmm..... i think no..... maybe later... maybe...... but your not hungry at all!!!! thats not ur tummy rumbling ok.
FUCK!
i'm going fucking crazy
i just can't, don't want to, take it

Come on just say it, you need me like a bad habit

2005-01-09T01:15:00.000-08:00

why am i so paranoid? calm down. THE WORLD IS NOT AGAINST YOU!!!! its all in your head. you just gotta chill for a sec......
breathe...... ok your good now

I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well

2005-01-08T01:52:00.000-08:00

wow! i didn't write in here yesterday... dam claire's fault.... ah well...... so not much is new.... dam bowling for soup songs are strange... but good.... that reminds me, i want to watch teen girl squad there may be a new one... and one new natalie dee..... dam weekends.
fuck, i keep thinking someones gonna walk into my room.... soo paranoid, ah well. dam kitten.
the natalie dee was SHITE! ah well, too lazy to see teen girl squad.
got nothing to write bout...

Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

2005-01-08T01:48:00.000-08:00

why does everyone hate me? even when i feel like i've done nothing to them they seem to just hate me.... is it a clash of personalities? or cause i make people feel edgy? or maybe i'm just an unlikeable person. most likely that...
well if you dont like me just tell me, one cut and i'm gone. i could just get a knife and slice my throat right now if you wanted me to. sure some people might care, or pretend to, but they'll get over it.. i'm an easy person to forget about.

The demon in your mind that mocks you is the only thing that is nothing

2005-01-08T01:40:00.000-08:00

i feel so strange, when i touch my face its not my hand.... when i say stuff i can't tell if its me or not. i can't feel anything but i can feel everything... typing is hurting my arms when they touch my keyboard thing.. but i feel like i keep typing the wrong thing... like i dont have full control of my hands and fingers. i don't think i do..... and no i'm not stoned, high, whatever else you want to call it. and my moods changing again, right now i'm feeling sooo sad and myface feels like its melting. but before i was fine. i want to sleep but i'm not tired? my bodies contraditing itself. my feet are tingling but i don't have feet.... you must have the point by now...
where did my music go? its just gone.... i have no idea
i feel dead, well what i expect deadness to feel like, theres nothing.
i hate everyone and everything but with no cause or reason. for nothing. everything is for nothing.

*thingie thing

2005-01-06T02:37:00.000-08:00

as they kissed passionately he felt her tears on his face. he was startled by their presence. what was wrong? had he done something? he had no way of kowing that through all her hurt and pain he brought her joy. No matter how much of her was feeling bad he could heal it just by being there. he was the reason she got up, the reason she wasn't buried in the ground as yet another suicide statistic.
as they parted lips he felt her feelings. they parted at the body but for just a second they were joined at the mind. for just a second he could see and feel everything she had been through. he was able to glimpse her past and see the reasons for her actions.
he knew that from now on he could help her. he could try and fix her broken trust. He wanted to do anything at all that he could for her. No one should have to deal with all the aching thast she had to. he should have been able to see it all in her actions but he hadn't before now. He regreted thinking that she had a perfect life and she was happy.
She felt his tender touch and knew he understood. No words needed to be said for her to see he knew, that he knew every hurt, every pain, every violent action.

Always trying to make love out of care... the perfect recipe, but something wasn't there

2005-01-06T02:25:00.000-08:00

i go from being fully sad and almost in tears to wanting to kill people. i'm so sick of it. why can't i feel normal? why can't i just have the usual problems of people my age? why was i chosen to be tourced in life instead of some other person? why is it that my problems have hardly anything to do with guys and school work like everyone else but have more to do with the fact that i want to kill myself? why is it that i feel the need to cover the scars on my arm ? why is that i can't trust anyone in mylife fully. i cant even trust my best friends. i can't tell a girl i've known most of my life anything anymore. i don't even want to see her in case she sees all the scars. i'm so afraid of life and people that i can't say what i really want to. i wish no one knew, i wish i didn't have to explain anything. i wish i didn't exist

You're just a picture of me, you're gone as soon as I leave, you've lived my life for me, and you're no more than a piece of glass

2005-01-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

dam i love the used. i'm soooo glad that i have their album, i wanna get the old one as well. then i'd have them both :D. my favourite songs by far on the used album are cut up angels, i'm a fake and i caught fire. oh and take it away.
lately whenever i talk on msn i get heaps pissed off at everyone. even when they dont do anything wrong, they just annoy me. the only way to not get too pissed is too listen to the used really loudly

CAUTION depressiveness

2005-01-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

i don't care for anything. i dont want to live anymore. i mean this really really really. i just want to get a knife or blade or anything at all and drag it down my arm and feel it ripping the skin apart. i want to watch the blood running everywhere amd not have to worry bout anything. i want to take a million pills and then fall asleep forever.
fuck i hate this! i dont want to talk to you in a happy way max! no offence but your pissing me off. and you too tom! I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! i don't want to hear about your friends or how your going to get somewhere i just want to fucking die. i hate having to talk happy when i'm not, i hate feeling like this, i just want everything to end.
i know that people would care if i died but you know what, i just dont care! i dotn care about anything. i just dont want to feel anything

I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saying I love you has nothing to do with meaning it

2005-01-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

wow i had the strangest ever dream last night. it was pretty crazy. bthere was this lady who was watching us all, and then there was this girl who kept wanting eye contacts to wear on her feet. and we said we'd had enough so she ok lets go excpet the contact girl couldn't walk so we just left her there and they lady said that we'd done good cause we usually just did trillions of cartwheels before we gave up. there wqas more but i forget it. i was also rudely awaken by my phone. and for once it wasn't claire. it was my totally shity crap arse alarm! yay!

dam you hobbits! would you rike some street bird?

2005-01-03T01:50:00.000-08:00

i hate it when you can't sleep. i hate it even more when your hell tired but can't sleep. i really want to talk to soemone for some reason, anyone. Even a carpet sales man would do. buuuutttt seen as its almost 2am i don't think anyone would be too happy if i called them up.....
dam the first dvd just finished, ah well. too lazy to change it anwyays. wow the tv's doing strange things........
omg! pigeon! what made it even funnier was when dad asked the guy if it was like pigeon that you see flying around and he said yes... errrr gross. and just before that we'd seen a really badly squashed pigeon with all its guts and red bones hanging out and jess had said jokingly the asians got too it.... the guy said they got it from farms but i bet they were lying cause there was absolutly no pigeons in china town..... adn there's pigeons everywhere else, like come on, there's pigeons around food, this street was full of restraunts..... but not one single pigeon.... freaky...
i keep wanting to say penguin instead of pigeon for some reason, maybe cause that would eba bit more normal... or maybe not...
i swear i'm gonna have nightmares about crisp fried pigeons, you could eithere have it crisp fried or in soy sauce or something. dad chose crispy.... it was sooo gross when they started carving a duck up right in front of us. i was like gagging.... i hate the look if meat. we went past all these millions of butcher places too. there was this one really bad food place called bbq delight or something equally stupid and in the window they had all of theducks, and rabbits, and chickens and shit.... and even though it looked terrible there was heaps and heaps and people lined up waiting to go inside....
there was this hell cool looking restraunt with noo meat in the windows... guess what it was called...... happy cup, thats right happy. cup. so mad.. then after dinner we went shopping in all the wierd asian shops, yes i am uncapable of just saying asian shops, adn we found the ebst one EVER. it was so mad. everything was all the stuff and heaps cheap... and then i found the buttons..... they were all a dollar and all heaps mad... i spent about 10 bucks on badges, slash dad did just for me... i wnated to get more but i contained myself.... they had all of these barbie ones but i didn't get any though i wanted them badly...... i got all these heaps random ones.
OMG!!! jess bought a skirt!!!! its her first skirt! its pretty cool one too. its all pink and polka dot like.
hehehe dad got me this foot pack thing and tonight i used it... sooo good. first i soaked my feet and make ash smell the water :P then i used the scrub and nearly rubbed my feet away. then jess decided she wanted to help and filed my feet for ages till they hurt, and then i put foot butter on them. yes, foot butter. not body butter but foot butter. everything smelt like peppermint... now my feet smell like peppermint
ok, i've had enough of writing, quite pleased with how much i wrote, i wrote all that in 16 minutes too.....

2005-01-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE RIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All these men that you made, how we wither in the shade of your trees

2005-01-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

dam, i'm feeling all hateful again! i hate that, i'll feel happy then the next moment i'll come crashing down and hate everyone and everything for no particular reason.
right at the moment i want everyone to die, thats why i left msn. I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!! well not really but i do... ggrrrrrrr i just need to say all this.
I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR ALL LIAR!!!!!!!!!
ok i think i'm better now.....
calming down......
breathe.......

Where will we be in the next ten years- will I be rubbing your feet, will you be drying my tears?

2005-01-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

hehehe, i'm watching pirates of the carribean i must have seen it about 20 times already and now dad owns it. which means i'll be watching it a lot more from now on.
i love keira knightly. she's such a good actor in pirates of the bean... mmm... bean....
OMG! i got another von dutch hat!!!! yay! this ones black and white checked! even though it's a total fake i love it. i wanted to but heaps of them but i didn't.
dam i'm getting sick of those darn birds. they just keep coming back cause dad feeds em all the time. he even feeds them kfc. KFC! eewwww kfc. i hate kfc. but the birdies like it.... dad treets them better then he does his own kids, he's always talking to them and clucking at them and shit. it's kinda scary actually.
i got the maddest shoes EVER today. they are all black with like, fuitars on them. i love em heaps. there's all skin flakes on the floor. it is soo gross..... and yes they are my skin flakes...... i'm pleased with myself :D. i finally got Greendays new album, that means i have all the albums i want..... for this second at least anyway.

oh yes, go me!

2005-01-02T05:27:00.000-08:00

i feel so proud, i have written in this blogy thing almost every single day that i've had it. except for the few days that i've been in the middle of nowhere, ie londonderry. what a strange name for a place. like who would come up with a name like that? Londonderry? not that i'm bagging anyone who lives there. But Christina does scare me, lots. and she tried to eat my pancakes, like what was up with that?
hehehehe horsie horsie horsie!!! man that was so so so freaky when they were watching us hey jess? almost like thay'd seen lesbians before and got off on it... anh just kidding no funny stuff was going on, but they were watching us like they'd seen people before..... that really feaked me out when they were eating the grasss to, that sound was freaky.
OMG! dinner rolls!!!! yaya!!!! i cant believe we ate 12!!!! when i was with Claire we had a twisted delight or something. what was it? i think it was twisted delight. man that was good. we ate it so quickley! hehehe go lo. hehehehe two bucks.... hehehe i love it.

all alone with nothing to do

2005-01-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

so far i haven't done much but later i am planing on building a carpet tent andcharging people to look at a dead spider.
i feel no different from yesterday, though yesterday was a different year. i'll probably keep calling it 2004 for ages though. that always happens to me, it's a real problem.
i finally changed the date and time to the right one so its like stuffed it all up. ah well. you get that sometimes.

oilyness of butter

2005-01-01T03:09:00.000-08:00

i am here to tell you all that i put butter in my belly button. it was quite oily so i smeared it all over my belly and now everythings oily. my legs are oily, my face is oily, my toes are oily, my fingers are oily...
i am also here to say that i am very unhappy. why oh why did you have to go camping tom? ah well he'll be back soon. but not soon enough......
ah the hotness of being able to stare at jake whilst on the computer. sooo good.mmmmmmmmm.......... orgasmic, organic, smanic, pap smear..... yea alright
i got the new chik today. very pleased. mister grassy head is the best, except he got all his lucious locks shaved off so he no longer had it growing out of his cheek or eyeball.... i'd pu a pic of him in here but i forget how to..... ah well
hmmmm, my hands got oily, and then they got hot..... dam.... now all the oilyness is cooking and heating.

only 5 minutes!!! yay! LORRI!!!!!

2004-12-31T04:55:00.000-08:00

thank you lorri! you have kept me enertained for the last hour of 2004!!! yay! actually no, i'm not really thatexcited about the new year, it's more the fact that it means it's one more day closer to when i get to see tom. :P
anyways, i dedicate this enrty to lorri who i have millions in common with and who is the greastest EVER! and he is so sweet he thinks i'm gonna hate him when he tries to hook up with me, who has been there to tolerate me when i get random and to accuse me and jess of being on drugs when we terrorise Imperial!!!!
YAY LORRI!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! MWAH!!!!!!

*I can hear you in a whisper, but you can't even hear me screaming

2004-12-31T04:28:00.000-08:00

yea i wrote a poem again... its kinda strange....

There's this great girl
you all should know
you may not have met her
but still say hello
she's always dancing on starlight
spinning all around
you can't catch her
cause she's not on the ground
she's floating away
for just a little while
don't tell her she's a fake
just to break her smile
she'll always be happy
off in her own place
her smiles always there
overtaking her face
her world may be your dream
but to her it's oh so real
to hurt her is a lost cause
for no pain can she feel

it's really crazy and random.... but it's better then when i first wrote it. i fixed it now.

i lied....

2004-12-31T04:16:00.000-08:00

ok i lied, i haven't finished bitching. the subject of my bitching now is a certain person..... well two people actually. those two people are craig and theresa.... yes my mum and her supposably ex fiance. for those who don't know i hate craig with such a passion. i find him to be the lowest person, if you could call him that, that i have ever met... and i live on the cenral coast... the breakup was a big shouting match between us all and craig said that he had 3 affairs just to hurt my mum. i wanted to stab him and kill him. and he left for a few days after, went and stayed somewhere else. now cause i'm so popular and have a life i haven't been home for about a week. and i come home and they're watching a movie and he's all over her. what the fuck is up with that? YOUR MEANT TO BE SEPERATED!!!!! i couldn't standliving with him anymore. mum says i have to be nice towards him and act normal. two words for you mum. FUCK YOU! i am not acting civil towrds him, i can't even talk to him on the phone for more then a second without wanting to kill him. when he picked up the phone today when i rang i said like three words to him and then hung up. fucking bastard. stupid, taking, phyco, jealous, ALCOHOLIC! grrrr... now i'm all angry

new year new you!

2004-12-31T04:07:00.000-08:00

dam i hate that saying. it can't really be a new you..... sure everyone believes that they can just "start afresh" and that people will forgive and forget and all that shit, but really a new year doesn't really make anything different, so you get to get a new calander and rip down the old one and remove "those" pictures but your still they same person. ok so that is my bitch for the night....

stupid people ringing at 9:40 in the morning

2004-12-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

have you ever noticed that when you just wake up cause someone calls you they always questions why you so so tired, sleepy, funny, etc. MAYBE CAUSE THEY WERE JUST SLEEPING! and even when they know they have just woken you up they still feel the need to question your groggynesss. they call on the weekends usually i have found. also at christmas. they do not realise that some people are not crazy and dont wake up before 7:30 on christmas day anymore. i was planing on sleeping in til 10 but then no. i was denied the pleasure. thank you people calling early!

this is dedicated to jess and especially CLAIRE who woke me up on christmas and most weekends.

the tupperware effect

2004-12-27T01:19:00.000-08:00

whenever you are bored just remeber the tupperware effect. this is when you are forced to go to a stupid party with a bunch of dumb people who get orgasmic over plastic and gravy boats. but when u get to the party u have fun seeing how many different pieces of crapy plastic u can melt, deform, or generally have fun shoving parts of your body into!!!

2004-12-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

my phoneies! yay! it's so uber cool!!!!!!! except thatsupid girl on the screen. they actually give you that girl cause they have millions of her and no one will buy her so they have to give her away. all she does is stand around and shoot stuf the stupid whore.

woah!

2004-12-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

crrraazzzzyyy! i got a new phone! yay! its mad except i haven't turned it on yet!!! it sucks cause it has to charge for 12 hours. 12 HOURS! thats soooo long. but ah well. its new! it's charged now but i'm not allowed to like use it until it's been charging for ages. ao here i'm gonna just write shit. what i'm thinking, how i'm feeling, poems and just whatever.

i'm waay to in love with music and horror films and i love it! my favourite band of all time is dashboard confessional and Chris Carrabba has got to be the sexiest guy alive.