i feel kind of slack for not writing in here in ages. but i think its also a good thing, cause i used to only write in here when things were bad. so i guess that means things are getting better right. but the thing is, i don't know if i want things to be good. which is crazy i know. but i had fun in those days. i think it was cause their seemedto be so many bad things gonig on that even something that was slightly good seemed like the happiest moment in my life.
But now, cause things are better it takes more. and i still get down really really easy. i've lost that thing i used to have. it used to feel like no one had the key to me, and could only get to me if i let them. now it feels like i;ve been chained down for the world to see. and i hate it.
I'd much rather go back to before. i say that, but i don't know if i mean it. i'm so confused about myself. like would i rather go back to a time where i was cutting, stoned out of my mind but still having fun? when i was like that i felt everything, but it duidn't matter cause this was what life was. being able to feel everything. or do i prefer now. not smoking, only cutting sometimes but not able to feel anything. it seems like life is a burden, there seems no point to school. i can't find it in me to pay attention for more then five minutes. but i think i'm happy. everyone always says i'm always smiling and laughing. but have i jsut been pretending so much that it had even fooled me? or am i truely happy now?
argghh,i just wish i knew the answers. can someone help me out? or am i alone here?